THE ACTION BUTTON DOT NET MANIFESTO: A LIST OF THE THIRTY-THREE BEST GAMES OF ALL-TIME

a review of The Action Button Dot Net Manifesto: A List Of The Thirty-three Best Games Of All-time
a videogame developed by Action Button Entertainment
and published by Action Button Dot Net
for Action Button Dot Net
text by Action Button Staff

4 stars

Bottom line: The Action Button Dot Net Manifesto: A List Of The Thirty-three Best Games Of All-time is “a list of the thirty-three best videogames of all-time.”

(compiled and written by the action button dot net staff)

design by rerorero

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that videogames are created awesome.
. . .

Uhh. Not really sure how to follow that up. Here goes, anyway:

We are very often accused of hating every game that is ever released; this is not true. We only hate about 99% of them.

Therefore, as something of a massive insurance policy, as something to point to every time someone says we complain too much about trivial things and should just “relax” because these are “games” are you’re supposed to have “fun” when you play them, we have compiled this thorough list of what we consider to be the thirty-three best games of all-time, and written monstrously long reviews of all thirty-three of those games.
The choices on this list — save for one — are not made with the intention of riling anybody up. We have chosen simply and mathematically and scientifically. The criteria for a game’s inclusion — well, the criteria are actually pretty dodgy and antisocial, though let’s just pretend that we picked games that we really love — a lot — and that possess a clean aesthetic, self-assured graphical and sonic presentation, streamlined mechanics, and common-sensical level design.

Actually, wow. That’s really about all there is to this list: clean games with crunchy, frictionous play mechanics, self-confident graphics and sound, and natural flows, where the in-game challenges get progressively more and more difficult due solely to the arrangement of obstacles and positioning of enemies, not because you’re under-leveled or ill-equipped: in most of these games, the game is over when you are not good enough, not because you don’t possess the orange lantern, whose red fire is the only thing that can burn down blue trees.

Of course, there will be slight exceptions, in which case we demand your immediate understanding: this is, after all, our website, and not yours. That’s not to say we’re not open-hearted: sure, we’d give you this website, if our psychic hadn’t assured us that you would just immediately burn it to the ground by trying to cook a frozen hot dog in the toaster.

Anyway, on with the show. Let the shrieking begin:

 

(consider each of the following games’ score four out of four stars)

#33. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTportal
the best game of 2007
a videogame by valve
published by valve
for the xbox 360, playstation 3, and PC

Bottom line: Portal is “the best game ever about points A and B”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#32. noby noby boy

a videogame by keita takahashi and friends
published by bandai-namco games
for the sony playstation 3 computer entertainment system

Bottom line: Noby Noby Boy is “delicious eye taffy”.


 

 

 

#31. canabalt

a videogame by semi secret software

play the full game for free at canabalt dot com

or purchase it via the iPhone / iPod Touch App Store for $2.99

Bottom line: Canabalt is “Super Mario Tetris”.

#30. tetris

a videogame by alexey pajitnov

published by probably every software company ever
for any device with a screen

Bottom line: Tetris is “psychology”.

#29. ??? (stay tuned!)

 

#28. ??? (stay tuned!)

 

#27. ??? (stay tuned!)

 

#26. ??? (stay tuned!)

#25. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTcastlevania: bloodlines (Vampire Killer (Japan)) (Vampire’s Kiss (Europe))
a videogame by konami
published by konami (et al)
released in 1994 for the sega mega drive / genesis
text by tim rogers
selected as #25 on the action button manifesto: a list of the 25 best games of all-time

Bottom line: Castlevania: Bloodlines is “the greatest stupid game ever”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#24. spartan: total warrior
a videogame by creative assembly
published by sega
released in 2004 for the playstation 2 computer entertainment system, microsoft xbox (not compatible with xbox 360), and nintendo gamecube
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Spartan: Total Warrior is “the sharpest game of all time, bar slitting your wrist with a DVD shard.”

#23. monster hunter portable 2nd G
a videogame by capcom japan
published by capcom
released in 2008 for the playstation portable video entertainment system
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Monster Hunter Portable 2nd G is “the son of Street Fighter II“.

#22. secret of evermore
a videogame by square los angeles
published by squaresoft (et al)
released in 1995 for the super nintendo entertainment system
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Secret of Evermore is “confident and modern”.

 

 

(previous review of secret of evermore, written by ario barzan)

#21. dragon quest v: hand of the heavenly bride

a videogame by enix / armor project
scenario by yuji horii
published by enix / square enix (et al)
released in 1992 for the super famicom, in 2004 for the sony playstation 2, and in 2008 for the nintendo DS
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Dragon Quest V is “the friendliest game ever”.

 

#20. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTbreath of fire v: dragon quarter
a videogame by capcom
published by capcom
released in 2002 for the sony playstation 2 computer entertainment system
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Breath of Fire V: Dragon Quarter is “the most elegant role-playing game ever made”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#19. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTthe lost vikings
a videogame by blizzard
published by interplay
released in 1992 for the sega genesis, sega CD super nintendo entertainment system, amiga, personal computers, and sony playstation computer entertainment system (as “norse by norsewest“)
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: The Lost Vikings is “the best viking game ever”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#18. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTmetroid prime
a videogame by retro studios
published by nintendo
released in 2002 for the nintendo gamecube
text by ario barzan

Bottom line: Metroid Prime is “so slick you might think it’s vanilla”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#17. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTwinning eleven 7
a videogame by konami
published by konami
released in 2003 for the sony playstation 2 computer entertainment system
text by thom moyles

Bottom line: Winning Eleven 7 is “the only game you’ll ever need to play, if you love soccer”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#16. HILARIOUS ALT TEXToutrun 2
a videogame by am2
published by sega
released in 2003 in the arcades and in 2004 for the microsoft xbox
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: OutRun 2 is “love: the videogame”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#15. hell yeahDOOM
a videogame by id software
published by activision
released in 1993 for personal computers, and in 1994-2007 for linux, sega 32X, sega saturn, atari jaguar, sony playstation, and xbox live arcade
text by andrew toups
with additional co-op text by tim rogers

Bottom line: DOOM is “a Vintage Ford Truck of a Videogame.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

#14. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTikaruga
a videogame by treasure
all game design, programming, scripting, 3D modeling and music composition by hiroshi iuchi
published by atari (et al)
released in 2001 in the arcades, released in 2002 the sega dreamcast and the nintendo gamecube, released in 2008 for xbox live arcade
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Ikaruga is “the alpha and the omega of 2D shooting”.

 

 

alternate #14: bangai-oh spirits

 

 

 

#13. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTpanzer dragoon zwei
a videogame by team andromeda
published by sega
released in 1996 for the sega saturn
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Panzer Dragoon Zwei is “morbidly delicious”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

#12. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTkatamari damacy
a videogame by namco
game design by keita takahashi
published by namco (et al)
released in 2004 for the sony playstation 2 computer entertainment system
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Katamari Damacy is “basically pop-art”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

#11. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTshadow of the colossus
a videogame by sony computer entertainment japan
published by sony computer entertainment japan
released in 2005 for the sony playstation 2 computer entertainment system
text by ario barzan

Bottom line: Shadow of the Colossus is “close to an air-thin miracle”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

HILARIOUS ALT TEXT#10.metal gear solid 3: snake eater
a videogame by hideo kojima and kojima productions
published by konami
text by ario barzan

Bottom line: Metal Gear Solid 3 is Metal Gear Solid: Grown Up“.

 

 

(alternate review by brandon parker)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9. chrono trigger
a videogame by the dream team
published by squaresoft
for the nintendo super famicom (super nintendo entertainment system)
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Chrono Trigger is “hands-down the best ‘japanese RPG’ of all-time”.

 

 

alternate review by brendan lee: Chrono Trigger is “intimate”.

#8. HILARIOUS ALT TEXTcave story (doukutsu monogatari)
a videogame by studio pixel
released in 2004 for personal computers
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Cave Story is “better than art — it’s science”.

 

 


 

#7. fight brilliantly, for the futurestreet fighter iii: third strike
a videogame by capcom
published by capcom
released in the arcades in 1999
head-to-head review action:
Bottom line: Street Fighter III: Third Strike “had balls”. (by david cabrera)

 

VERSUS

 

Bottom line: Street Fighter III: Third Strike is “mind games”. (by heather campbell)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#6. KEEP ON TURNINgears of war
a videogame by epic games
published by microsoft
released in 2006 for the microsoft xbox 360
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Gears of War is “the game of the decade”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

#5. YEAHpac-man: championship edition
a videogame by tooru iwatani
published by namco
released in 2007 for the xbox 360 live arcade
price: 800 god damn micro$oft point$
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Pac-Man: Championship Edition is “actually a videogame”.

#4. mother 3
a videogame written by shigesato itoi
developed by brownie brown
published by nintendo
released in 2005 for the nintendo gameboy advance
text by tim rogers
(this review originally published in another format on insert credit dot com)

Bottom line: Mother 3 is “for better, worse, and everything in between, the closest games have yet come to literature”.

 

#3. HILARIOUS ALT TEXThalf-life 2
a videogame developed and published by valve
released in 2004 for personal computers, 2005 for the microsoft xbox, and 2007 for the microsoft xbox 360 and sony playstation 3 computer entertainment systems
text by theodore troops

Bottom line: Half-life 2 is “a miracle”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2. super mario bros. 3
a videogame by nintendo
published by nintendo
for the nintendo famicom / entertainment system, super famicom / entertainment system, gameboy advance, and wii virtual console
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Super Mario Bros. 3 is “a lifelong obsession”.

 

. . . . . . AND ACTION BUTTON DOT NET (NASDAQ: ABDN)’S CHOICE FOR THE #1 GREATEST AND BEST GAME OF ALL-TIME IS . . . . . .

Okay j/k:

#1. ...
another world (aka “out of this world” (aka “outer world”))

a videogame by eric chahi
published by delphine software, interplay, et al
released in 1991 for the amiga, atari-ST, and MS-DOS; later released on the panasonic 3DO, Apple IIGS and Apple Macintosh personal computers, nintendo gameboy advance, mobile phones (symbian OS), sega mega drive (genesis), sega mega-CD (sega CD), super nintendo entertainment system (super famicom), and microsoft windows XP
text by tim rogers

Bottom line: Another World (Out of this World (Outer World)) is “the best videogame of all-time.”

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409 Responses to THE ACTION BUTTON DOT NET MANIFESTO: A LIST OF THE THIRTY-THREE BEST GAMES OF ALL-TIME

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