kingdom hearts ii: final mix (no stars)

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21 Responses to kingdom hearts ii: final mix (no stars)

  1. I rarely bring this up in conversation and regularly deny it but I bought the first game, even managed to enjoy it to a point where I was quite far in before I realized that there was no point in continuing on from an area that I passed several hours earlier. I even bought the strategy guide for it.

    But no amount of prostate massaging and free handjobs from any entity on this earth will ever talk me into going through all of that shit again.

  2. Every second I played of this game, I felt my life drain out of me. I didn’t actually fall asleep, but deep inside, things were shutting down. It was like those times when you are sick and don’t leave the bed for a day and realise ‘wow this room has got really poor ventilation’. The breath of fresh air is when you hit the power button and do something else – anything else – with your PS2.

    Proof that games can actually just be AV software.

  3. Yeah this is a good review. I rented Kingdom Hearts II and it is just bad stuff. I don’t think a new graphics engine will give Nomura any hint on how to design a game. This game doesn’t really appeal to people who know and love good video games. The comparisons to God of War shouldn’t end with the context sensitive button pushes. Both games are hiding behind paper thin gameplay. God of War is just “mature” and has an enormous budget. Both suck equally but appeal to a certain “something.” You know what….I kind of suck for playing them….damn it.

  4. Why do they continue to let Tetsuya Nomura be involved with games?

  5. Whoa, suggesting that God of War sucks as much as this game is pretty disingenuous, Gattsu. At least that game was competently-made, both in terms of production values and in terms of basic gameplay. Sure, it’s the gaming equivalent of candy floss, but it was made with spirit and gusto, and it showed.

    Kingdom Hearts II, on the other hand… man, they weren’t even trying this time round. The game is a train wreck happening in slow motion, and every moment playing it is a moment wondering where the emergency brakes on the damn thing are.

    Tim Rogers, if you actually played this “Final Mix” thing to review it, after having played the original “mix” of Kingdom Hearts II- and thus knowing exactly how terrible it is, then you deserve some kind of medal.

  6. I’ve never played the Kingdom Hearts games, but this article is a pretty good read (hey, I read the whole thing). My only criticism: the soggy corn flakes metaphor sticks out as unnecessary while you’ve already made your point clearer with the God of War analogy.

  7. It’s simply prostetution. By buying this game you are paying someone to screw you.

  8. perseus: yes, i played the final mix ust to hear the english voices. i’d previously only played the japanese version. the english voices weren’t that great. there’s some other stuff that’s different, though hell if it matters.

    also, i played the chain of memories up-make. man. man, what boring shit.

    reminds me of seiken densetsu iv (now only 2000 yen, new, at your local game shop!) without the physics, the fun, or the challenge.

    also dmauro: the corn flakes analogy was for someone who hadn’t played god of war!

    :(

  9. Why did you take these down? Did you think I was trolling? I thought I was straightforwardly giving my opinion on how I felt about the reviews and offered some worthwhile criticisms.

  10. I actually liked Kingdom Hearts. The story was a jumbled mess, and the worlds were small and laid out poorly, but the game had a great sense of wonder about it. This coming from a guy that hates Disney.

    KHII just has no charm to it. Sure, the combat and stuff is bigger and better (though still bad), but it’s already tired two games in. I’ll go ahead and pass on KHIII.

  11. The main amusemnet of KH2 is the sheer insanity of it. There’s a certain amount of demented inspiration in its lack of coherent plot, it’s barely-interactive set-piece battles. Every while or so, a bit works.
    It;s an acid trip of a game.

  12. Wow, fuck you guys. You apparently know nothing of this game and claim to relate to it, when really you can’t understand how much of a masterpiece this really is. A breakthrough in gaming and something I and several others love, it makes me pity you really. I’m sorry it isn’t another fucking Madden update, or another Call of Duty, but this game really kicks ass and your failure to appreciate that makes me sick. In the end, you fail.

    Love,
    Your Superiour, you douches.

    p.s Next time you attempt to review a game and comment on it, take several factors into consideration rather than just the leaping from world to world. Oh, and grats on your terrible review, you minority piece of shit.

  13. Wait, is your comment supposed to be ironic? I mean, are you trying to be hilarious? Because it’s pretty hilarious!

  14. Man, yeah, this might beat the comment on the wrestling game review in terms of being intentionally or unintentionally hilarious.

    I do believe that we win either way.

  15. “There’s so much wrong with it that picking it apart is almost as fun as playing Resident Evil 4. Almost.”

    Wow, that´s gotta be the saddest thing I´ve read on this site!

    Oh and the Roxas segment IS pretty much the best part in the game, if that´s not saying much. Though it IS saying much, in the light that this in a game where OH MY GOD FF MEETS DISNEY KAWAIIIIII!! the best part is that in which there is neither disney nor FF (sort of). Quite ironic!

    Though not as much as the fact that Chains of Memories is the most enjoyable game in the series (though, again, that´s not saying much).

    FUN FACT: I was playing KH2 on my PS2 one day, alone on my house, when they began to evacuate the building because a small part of the roof began to burn. What did I do? Turn off my PS2, grab my memory card and get out.

    FUN FACT 2: I know this guy (through the internet) who, despite my best efforts to convince him, won´t buy a 360 because he´s waiting to see what console they announce KH3 for.

    This is a guy who calls himself an avid RPG (and Guitar Hero) fan, even though he says he´s not interested in Blue Dragon because Gamespot gave it a low score. Although I guess that was kind of expected, since I met the guy on gamespot, precisely.

    FUN FACT 3: Once, I went to Canada on an exchange program, and met a guy who called me his best friend because I had beat Sephiroth on the “hard” difficulty. He firmlly believed that “Kingdom Hearts is so AWESOME!!” at least as much as he thought he was the smartest guy in the school (besides me, har har).

    “…and thus knowing exactly how terrible it is, then you deserve some kind of medal.”

    Yeah, he deserves to be shot and then posthumously awarded the Nobel Prize.

  16. I am playing this game to 100% completion.

    Do I get a fucking million medals?

  17. Aww, where did this review disappear to Tim? I was so looking forward to reading your notoriously hilarious Kingdom Hearts II slander. Oh well.

  18. Is there supposed to be a review here? I understand why one would get rid of a zero star review of this game. Kingdom Hearts fans are pretty protective.

      • If you wanted, you could retrieve it via this. It’s a damn entertaining read — I suggest you do.

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